Cheftastants in Review

Another season of Top Chef has come to an end, and this time it was Richard Blais who walked away with the big prize. All and all, I'd say it was a satisfying ending to a decent season, but one thing struck me about Richard this season he had a ridiculously high number of soundbites about being the front runner who stumbled on the final leg. In truth Top Chef is a show that has always struck me as one where the most deserving hasn't necessarily always one. Why I've gotten that feeling, I'm not entirely sure so I decided to take a look at some stats. What I found was fairly interesting....

Season 1

Cheftastant	Harold Dieterle (1st)	Tiffani Faison (2nd)
Elimination wins	1/10	2/10
Top 3 Call outs	5/10	5/10
Bottom 3 Call outs	2/10	3/10
Quickfire wins	2/10	1/10

Season Summary

Most Elimination Wins: 3- Dave Martin (3^rd)

Most Quickfire Wins: 3- Lee Anne Wong (4^th)_

Most Top 3s (including wins):5 Harold Dieterle, Tiffiani Fiason, and Stephen Asprinio (5^th)

Most Bottom 3s: 4 Dave Martin and Andrea Beaman (7^th)

Season 2

Cheftastant	Ilan Hall (1st)	Marcel Vigneron (2nd)
Elimination wins	2/12	1/12
Top 3 Call outs	3/12	4/12
Bottom 3 Call outs	2/12	3/12
Quickfire wins	1/11	3/11

Season Summary

Most Elimination Wins: 2- Ilan Hall, Elia Aboumrad (4^th), and Betty Fraser (7^th)

Most Quickfire Wins: 4- Cliff Crooks (5^th)

Most Top 3s (including wins): 6 –Betty Fraser

Most Bottom 3s: 5- Cliff Crooks and Michael Midgley (6^th)

Season 3

Cheftastant	Hung Huynh (1st)	Dale Levitski (2nd)	Casey Thompson (3rd)
Elimination wins	1/13	1/13	2/13
Top 3 Call outs	6/13	5/13	4/13
Bottom 3 Call outs	3/13	4/13	4/13
Quickfire wins	4/13	2/13	3/13

Season Summary

Most Elimination Wins: 3- Tre Wilcox (8^th)

Most Quickfire Wins: 4- Hung Huynh

Most Top 3s (including wins): 6- Hung Huynh

Most Bottom 3s: 6- Brian Malarkey (4^th)

Season 4

Cheftastant	Stephanie Izard (1st)	Richard Blais (2nd)	Lisa Fernandes (2nd)
Elimination wins	4/13	4/13	1/13
Top 3 Call outs	10/13	7/13	2/13
Bottom 3 Call outs	3/13	1/13	6/13
Quickfire wins	2/13	3/13	0/13

Season Summary

Most Elimination Wins: 4- Stephanie Izard and Richard Blais

Most Quickfire Wins: 4- Antonia Lofaso (4^th)

Most Top 3s (including wins): 10- Stephanie Izard

Most Bottom 3s: 6- Lisa Fernandes and Evangelos “Spike” Mendelsohn (5^th)

Season 5

Cheftastant	Hosea Rosenberg (1st)	Stefan Richter (2nd)	Carla Hall (3rd)
Elimination wins	2/13	5/13	3/13
Top 3 Call outs	4/13	7/13	6/13
Bottom 3 Call outs	4/13	3/13	3/13
Quickfire wins	1/13	4/13	1/13

Season Summary

Most Elimination Wins: 5- Stefan Richter

Most Quickfire Wins: 4- Stefan Richter

Most Top 3s (including wins): 7- Stefan Richter

Most Bottom 3s: 4- Hosea Rosenberg

Season 6

Cheftastant	Michael Voltagiio (1st)	Bryan Voltaggio (2nd)	Kevin Gillespie (3rd)
Elimination wins	3/13	4/13	5/13
Top 3 Call outs	9/13	8/13	8/13
Bottom 3 Call outs	1/13	0/13	1/13
Quickfire wins	2/13	0/13	4/13

Season Summary

Most Elimination Wins: 5- Kevin Gillespie

Most Quickfire Wins :4- Kevin Gillespie and Jennifer Carroll (4^th)

Most Top 3s (including wins): 9- Michael Voltaggio

Most Bottom 3s: 4=- Jennifer Carroll, Robin Leventhal (6^th), and Laurine Wickett Hope (8^th)

Season 7

Cheftastant	Kevin Sbraga (1st)	Ed Cotton (2nd)	Angelo Sosa (3rd)
Elimination wins	1/13	3/13	2/13
Top 3 Call outs	4/13	6/13	4/13
Bottom 3 Call outs	5/13	2/13	2/13
Quickfire wins	1/13	3/13	4/13

Season Summary

Most Elimination Wins: 3- Ed Cotton

Most Quickfire Wins: 4- Angelo Sosa

Most Top 3s (including wins): 7- Tiffany Derry (5^th)

Most Bottom 3s: 5- Kevin Sbraga and Amanda Baumgarten (6^th)

Season 8

Cheftastant	Richard Blais (1st)	Mike Isabella (2nd)
Elimination wins	4/15	2/15
Top 3 Call outs	8/15	4/15
Bottom 3 Call outs	1/15	3/15
Quickfire wins	4/14	4/14

Season Summary

Most Elimination Wins: 4- Richard Blais

Most Quickfire Wins: 4- Richard Blais, Mike Isabella, and Dale Talde (6^th)

Most Top 3s (including wins): 8- Richard Blais

Most Bottom 3s: 8- Tiffany Derry (4^th)

The first thing that popped out at me when looking at the season breakdown is that Richard wasn't nearly as robbed as the editors would like us to believe. Stephanie consistently preformed well in her season, winning just as many challenges as him and landing in the top 3 more often then he did. In fact with ten top 3 appearances she has statistically done better on average than EVERY OTHER CONTESTANT IN TOP CHEF HISTORY.

Other extraneous observation, Bryan Voltagiio is the only cheftastant who was never in danger of being eliminated. I could never really tell the Voltagiio's (they look kind of alike and neither of them really seem to have a personality) but I remember there season as being particularly boring. Collectively they wracked up more elimination wins than the other contestants combined and whenever they lost (with one exception) Kevin won. All three top contenders had ridiculous records that season. Which guess leads me to my initial questions about how fair the choices on Top Chef are.

When the same cheftestants mopped up all season it was less than exciting. So refusing to hand over a win based on a solid record is supposed to maintain some degree of suspense. I guess in theory that works. But in practice it just kind of sucks. At the end of season five I wasn't on the edge of my seat. I assumed Stefan would win as he completely dominated the competition. When he didn't I was in fact surprised... and a little insulted. Hosea was outmatched statistically not just by Stefan but by Carla as well. It didn't feel right to see someone who had been treading water all season be rewarded for it. Even more puzzling was Kevin's win in season 7. Five weeks he slipped through by the skin of teeth while Angelo and Ed were hitting home runs, but he's the one who got the title? I understand it, and honestly it wouldn't be fair not to consider a contestant. What would have been the point of sparing chefs elimination if they couldn't win? Everyone who made it through deserved a chance. But here's a thought... don't let them make it through if they regularly wound up in the bottom. If judges were forced to choose between someone like Tiffany (season 7) who had been in the top more than any other contestant and Kevin (season 7) who has been in the bottom with laughable frequency they should have given the pass to Tiffany. There needed to be some consideration of a chef's track record THROUGHOUT the show so people like Lisa didn't wind up making it to the end. It's just not fair for a woman who has won a single round and nearly gotten eliminated every other week to be considered alongside perpetual showstoppers Richard and Stephanie. For someone to spend almost half the competition serving up dishes that were poorly received and then be named the victor is stupid. Sure in season six Michael technically had a couple less compelling record than his competitors, but I certainly didn't mind when he came through at the end. That's because he wasn't doing the best, but he was doing very well all season. He had a record that was comparable to his competitors. I don't think there's something wrong with the underdog pulling it out, but the matchup needs to be reasonable. The judges really should be aware of the fact that certain people consistently fall in the bottom and chop them before they get to serve that final meal.

10 Creepiest Bastards On TV

I've compiled a list of the creepiest bastards who have ever flickered across a television screen. Now they're not necessarily the strongest or most successful of villains, but they're the ones that stick with you long after the credits have rolled.

10. Badge- "Are You Afraid of the Dark"

There are very few universal truths in this world, but there is one thing I can assure you of: every red blooded American who grew up in the 90s can cite at least one episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark that creeped them out to no end. For me that episode was “The Tale of Badge." Said story is about some girl who is forced to babysit her annoying ass brother, who plays a magic flute and releases a demonic rat man who kidnaps her brother and lures her into some sort of mystical, corpse filled, cavern forest. I know what you're thinking "90s rat/human hybrids aren't creepy. They're kindly and they teach you how to do karate." Not when they look like this they don't...

If they look like this, then they speak like Yoda, have no concept of personal space, and fucking love hanging people. Now compound that with the fact he spends twenty minutes of the episode jumping around in unadulterated glee at the thought of murdering some old women, who granted did trap him in a crystal for a couple decades. You should also keep in mind that he's able to mimic human voice (if not subject verb agreement) and seems to be able to make some weird dimensional vortex appear wherever and whenever he wants. Plus he is inexplicably Irish and is constantly shrouded in fog just so he can keep jumpin out of nowhere. I don't care what age you are, that's creepy.

9. Arthur "Trinity" Mitchell - Dexter

In real life, serial killers are relatively rare, but on television the cup runnuth over especially on Dexter. Yet in the sea of homicidal maniacs the Trinity killer bobs to the top. Arthur Miller isn't creepy in the way the 5th season's road kill scraping, woman hating Boyd Fowler is nor in the way Jordan Chase's overly charismatic murder ringleader is. Not withdrawn from society, and not showy and suave, Arthur Mitchell is perfectly normal... outside of the fact the viewer first encounters him when he strips naked in a stranger's bathroom, attacks her from behind, bathes with her, and slits her femoral artery. OK maybe he's a bit less than perfectly normal, but you wouldn't guess it just looking at him. In later scenes when he's acting like your average family man he gives no signs that he's one of the most prolific serial killers ever. So you're essentially confronted with the reality that you can't tell when someone is evil. They don't just pop out from a crowd. And that's why he earns the distinction of being EXTRA creepy. If after viewers learn he is a serial killer, he runs around dancing in a pools of blood, cackling, twirling his moustache, and polishing guns in lonely cabins it would be WAY less creepy because that's what serial killers do. They don't build houses for the poor, lead mass at their church, or raise their kids. Crazy people are supposed to be easily distinguishable by their scruffy facial hair, dislike for showering, and fondness for the wilderness. Sure when Dexter pressures Trinity there are some signs, what with him being oddly transfixed on his dead sister's ashes, and the heavy implication they had an incestuous relationship. But his facade of normalcy is pretty solid and pretty damn creepy.

8. The Flukeman - X-Files

Just on a conceptual level parasites are freaking creepy. The idea of hundreds of little bugs all crammed up into your body, reproducing exponentially, while slowly draining you of your health is... not so appetizing. So when the X-files did an episode on a supersized parasitic flukeworm/man/thing it stood out as one of their single creepiest monsters ever. If watching an unsuspecting sewer worker spit up a huge ass worm before keeling over in the shower and dying isn't enough to get you squirming, the creature's appearance will more than likely do the trick.

Yeah, look at that beauty, and just imagine that it's floating around somewhere in your sewer system, right beneath your feet, just waiting for an opportunity to latch onto you and lay it's larvae in your body. If you aren't adequately creeped out there's something wrong with you.

7. Drusilla - Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Bloodthirsty, remorseless vampires are pretty creepy, but at this point pretty run of the mill. Long before they were the things of tweenage dreams, there was one gal who was just as crazy as she was vicious. That demon of the night is the remarkably unbalanced Drusilla. Dru may not be the most deadly vampire on the show (though she's certainly no slouch), but she is batshit crazy. She drifts in and out of scenes incoherently babbling some strange mix of British lullabyes and anecdotes about some heinous act she has committed. She punishes her dolls (actual dolls) by refusing to let them watch as she eats people. She constantly has the most vacant stare you can imagine. She's always breaking out into creepy little songs for no apparent reason, also they never really seem to be about anything. In a matter of minutes her tone can shift from childish delight (normally at the prospect of someone's gory demise) to detached sadness (usually related to something undistinguishable in her mind). Just a few examples of Drusilla's.... unique comments:

"Do you like daisies? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies. "

"I met an old man. I didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth,"

"Pretty music. Pretty, pretty music. They cry out for mercy. They cry out for mercy. "

Mental instability, a penchant for violence, unpredictable mood shifts, plus her unusual speech patterns all equal out to being absolutely creepy.

6. The Reavers - Firefly

The Reavers are the creepiest bastards that you never get to see, at least not during the run of the series. Sometimes the best way to spook your audience is by NOT showing them something. Such is the case with Reavers. We never got the chance to see them (largely due to Firefly's tragically short run) but we did get to see everyone FLIP THE HELL OUT at the mere thought of them. The mention of their name drives grown badasses to huddle in fear, and seemingly level headed individuals to become suicidal but nothing I type can give express things better than Zoe's description of the space marauders.



What's that you say Zoe? "They'll RAPE US TO DEATH. EAT OUR FLESH, AND SEW OUR SKINS INTO THEIR CLOTHING." Well if that isn't the creepiest sentence I've ever heard I... oh there's more? You say odds are they won't do that to us in that order? You're implying Reavers will likely begin eating you while you're alive and THEN rape you to death? Is further evidence of their immense creepiness needed?

5. Maryann Forrester - True Blood

There's something off about a "social worker" who lives in a mansion, throws wild parties, collects disenfranchised minority children, and smokes pot. As fate would have it, what was "off" about Maryann Forrester was that she wasn't a social worker at all, but in fact a psychotic, brainwashing, human sacrificing, greek god worshipping maenad. The writers of True Blood sure as hell weren't going to share that information with their viewers in manner that could in any remote way be considered timely. Instead she slinks around the town for half a season pretending to be Mother Theresa, while the viewers try and figure out what she was up to.


Now you try and tell me that bitch isn't up to something. And that poster came out before the season even premiered, so viewers are siting on the edge of their seat for a whole fucking season as they nurse the increasingly apparent notion that this woman is the baddest mofo in town. She is always plotting something. You can tell. Every scene you just think, Tara stop doing everything Maryann suggests because she's clearly plotting something. But I'll be damned if anyone can figure out her motive or really the limit to her powers, even after it becomes readily apparent that she has some sort of mind control, carnal intent releasing mojo all a viewer can do is be creeped out by her increasingly bizarre and inexplicable behavior episode after episode.

4. Anthony Freemont - Twilight Zone

The Twilight Zone is one of the most iconic series in the history of television, and without question one of the most influential in terms of sci-fi. In the hallowed halls of The Twilight Zone there are certain episodes that everyone, even people who've never seen the show, seem to know about. One such instance is "The Good Life" an episode that centers around omnipotent, omniscient, six year old Anthony Freemont. Everyone has had the grave misfortune of encountering a snot nosed brat. It tends to be very annoying as you know they're a douchebag, but as they're a ten year old it's not really socially acceptable to call them a douchebag, so you just have to bite your tongue and mumble in a disgruntled fashion. But imagine you can't curse under your breath in frustration or even be frustrated for that matter, without the threat of being wiped off the face of the earth. So is the case with Anthony Freemont. He's every bit as impulsive and whiny and immature as any other little child, but he can bend time, space, and reality to his will. Small complication, no? It melds a kind of powerlessness with a universal frustration, and wraps it up into an adorable unsuspecting package. Whenever you make a character all powerful and unpredictable, there's a certain amount of inherent spookiness. But making that character a child really just increases that creepiness exponentially. You can't attack kids, they're kids, that however doesn't stop them from being selfish, evil, short tempered bastards.

3. Benjamin Linus- Lost

Sure, imbuing characters with supernatural abilities, a jarring physical appearance, and a less than sane disposition goes a long way in making a character creepy, but on LOST Benjamin Linus shows us that a run of the mill genocidal tyrant is just as capable of making our skin crawl. There is something unquestionably creepy about Ben, and not the least of it has to do with Michael Emerson’s amazing performance. Emerson is tremendously skilled at making even the most innocuous statements sound chilling. If you don't believe me just listen to him describe his shopping plans on Letterman.



What the fuck was that? Now I'm pretty much terrified of socks, and I'll be damned if I'll step into a Target again. With delivery like that it's really no wonder that Ben quickly became the creepiest part of an already unsettling show. But acting aside, the character has enough mystery about him to be troubling. You see, Ben KNOWS THINGS. No one fucking knows things on LOST, not even the writers. Yet, somehow Benjamin Linus seems to be aware of all sorts of sh*t. He never has the courtesy to explain any of it to us, but he makes references to rules and knows about smoke monster releasing buttons. Ben was introduced as the a prisoner of war, the enigmatic leader, of the mysterious "Others," and during his initial encounter with the protagonists, he maintains a shocking level of confidence and placidity. Sayid can't make him break a sweat during their torture session, and Ben winds up inflicting mental anguish on the man torturing him physically. Which really is Ben's M.O. He knows what buttons to push for everyone on the island, and when he lands in hot water he doesn't get rattled in the least, he just start fucking you over mentally, which is probably what is so creepy about him. He is so damn even keeled in even the most chaotic situations, it gives the impression that there just HAS to be a reason for him to be so calm and confident, and births the nagging sense that any perceived advantage one has over him must be outweighed by the inevitable ace up Ben's sleeve. Eventually, the writers pull back the curtain to show us that Ben is just as scared, desperate, and confused as the rest of us, but for a couple seasons he was the most disturbing bastard on TV.

2. Weeping Angels - Dr. Who

So you get the unsettling feeling that some amorphous unseen force is lurking behind you just waiting to do some sort of harm. You know that’s unreasonable so you give the room a quick once over, nothing here but inanimate objects you must be fine. FUCKING WRONG! That dumb looking statue is actually a sentient creature that is plotting to kill you. That is of course if you’re dealing with the recurring Dr. Who villains known as the Weeping Angels who are just as nonthreatening as they are deadly. As long as you are looking at a Weeping Angel it is unable to move, but they are incredibly fast and equally homicidal so the second you look away it is very likely to sprint across the room and kill you. Just think of it as a kind of dark and twisted Toy Story. It probably doesn’t help you can’t kill or harm the angels in any known way. The only thing that one can possibly do is hold them at bay by staring at them. As they can be detained by a simple glance, it might not seem hard but if you think about it you’ll soon realize that it’s utterly unsustainable. It’s impossible to stare at one spot forever unless you happen to be a statue, which you are not, but they are. And that's what the Dr. Who writers play off of so successfully, the feeling that no matter how idyllic things feel in an instant, there is an unshakable notion that you are lying on the very cusp of disaster. There’s nothing you can do to win, you can only hope and wish and pray, and freak the fuck out as you try to rationalize away the impulse that just won’t leave. Angels always come in packs too (like RAPTORS!!!), so you’re very likely to get the feeling one is lurking behind you, but you can’t investigate that hunch without taking your eyes off the angel in front of you and seriously risking your own life and limb. Moreover, the Weeping Angels are unreadable, what being statues and all. You can’t tell what they’re thinking. Can’t tell what they’re feeling. Can’t see them sweat or hear them planning. You can’t go on the offense. Which all goes back to the same concept of, somehow KNOWING something is terribly wrong despite all reasonable signs to the contrary. You’re stuck on the defense with an unreadable enemy that could come at any moment from any angle, and it is literally impossible to see it coming. The absolute paranoia and complete lack of certainty are to major components of getting creeped out, and the Weeping Angels deliver them in spades. It’s why “Blink” is one of the most tense episodes of television you’ll ever find as evidenced by the trailer.

1. The Gentlemen - Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Before I even start giving an explanation do me a favor. Look at this.

Imagine your mother told you that these guys were coming over for dinner one night. You’d probably say “Fuck no! I don’t want to eat dinner with those freaky looking bastards.” And no one would blame you because honestly… look at them, they have sunken eyes, disgustingly veiny somewhat translucent skin, rotting teeth, and no damn hair. The Gentlemen could be every bit as mild mannered as their name suggests and they would still be ridiculously creepy. Now do me a favor and imagine it’s not so much your mother telling you that they’re going to visit and more so a little girl in your dreams who speaks with an odd lack of cadence. Oh and did I mention… they’re not so much coming over to eat dinner as to remove your still beating heart from you restrained and unanethisized body. Yup. That’s right. They tie you down and rip your internal organs out. Oh and to make the situation work, (Yes, the situation can get worse. Surprisingly, having some overly dressed dude stick his hands into your chest and tear your heart from your chest isn’t the absolute low) you also can’t scream or talk or whisper or cry or produce any kind of sound at all. Before preparing for the impromptu surgery, The Gentlemen steal the voice of everyone in town. So no one can help you. No one even knows that you’re enduring the worst torture imaginable. There is literally nothing you can do to in anyway fight back or help yourself as those dudes up there slice you to shreds. Also they float. A small footnote considering that I’ve just explained the routinely perform vivisection, but creepy nonetheless. Not only are you unable to speak during their unwanted out patient procedures but you can’t even hear them coming. The Gentlemen are creepy in EVERY SINGLE IMAGINABLE WAY, and that my friends is why they are the single creepiest bastards who will ever grace your television with their demented presence.

Honorable Mentions:

Bloody Mary- Supernatural
Paul Young - Desperate Housewives
Grundel- Extreme Ghostbusters

This Week in Television (March 20- 26)

Huzzah! It is my first weekly update (not to be confused with weekend update, with which I sadly am in no way associated). As it is the first such update, I have yet to come up with a quippy and fun name, suggestions are welcomed. Though this clever, possibly pun related, title is still pending the criticisms have already arrived. General note, there will be SPOILERS, in my weekly reactions. If you're not caught up on a particular show don't look at it.

Community: For once I know what it feels like to be one of those people who didn't quite understand an episode of Community. I can only assume there is an entire level of ridiculously smart and smarmy jokes that flew right over my head as I have never seen Pulp Fiction. I know it sounds crazy, but in my defense when it came out I was seven. I wasn't really even allowed to watch The Simpsons until I was twelve or thirteen, so Pulp Fiction was pretty much something that was never on the table, as well it shouldn't be for a seven year old. Now that I'm older it has landed somewhere on the list of iconic films I know that I will see at some point in time, but just have not. Shocking admission aside, I enjoyed this weeks episode, but less than I do most. Something felt a bit off for me. Danny Pudi, as always, did an EXCEPTIONAL job acting but the emotional crescendo of the Jeff/Abed story didn't really do it for me. I think it's because the crux of the story relied on Abed trying to bring them back together because he felt they were drifting apart, but I never really had that sense, especially with Troy's B being that he was afraid Jeff would replace him. Maybe things are normally like that and I'm just so enthralled by my half and hour long pop culture comedy comas that I normally don't notice. B-

30 Rock: 30 Rock failed to impress this week, especially off the heels of its adventurous foray into reality television with "Queen of Jordan" episode. Honestly, I was a little put off by the frequency of unfunny gay jokes that were crammed into this episode. Not only were there two reference to gay men's uncontrollable desire to purchase "Chihauhau outfits" for themselves but there was (at least) two uses of the word "gaybies." Are homosexual parents that inherently hilarious? It didn't really help that there was virtually no Jenna or Tracy in the episode. Liz Lemon is a great straight woman, but when you remove all the crazy people around her who is she supposed to play off of? It just felt like a mediocre episode that didn't really make me laugh at all outside of Female Writer's side gig as a Dutch Mentalist. I mean an Aaron Sorkin cameo is nice and everything, but it can't really carry an episode. C

As both my other shows are on hiatus I think I have some time and/or energy for general television thoughts.

* The Office was delightful this week. A genuine return to form, it had much the charm of an earlier episode. Michael's proposal was very well done, and I'm impressed with the writers' decision to highlight their romance with the actual physical office building and to incorporate all of the characters into the event. It was a fantastic episode of a fading show, as well it should have been, but it makes me even more skeptical of the show's ability to sustain itself without Michael Scott.

* Top Chef 's elimination mad me sad this week. I got far more attached to Antonia then I thought I would. When the all-star cast was announced she was someone I felt pretty neutral about, but she really grew on me throughout the season. One thing that always bothers me about the show is that consistency never seems to be rewarded. She was in the top, probably more times than anyone for quickfires and eliminations and in the end it didn't really matter. I get that the point that each round is only to get you to the next one but that's how people like Kevin and Josea win seasons that are clearly dominated by other chefs.

*In movie news Suckerpunch... If you go in expecting an emotional, intellectual, Oscar worthy drama you're going to be disappointed. If you go in expecting a mindless, non-stop, action film filled with sex, violence, and all things awesome... you're going to be even more disappointed. If you're go in looking for a place to take a nap in a room full of disappointed people, you're going to have a fantastic time.

Are You There TV It's Me, Michael

Much like the fall lineup I am back and with any luck will be posting with a far greater regularity. The plan is actually for me to do weekly reaction/recap of certain programs. I clearly watch far too many shows to have time for such a lengthy reaction to all but there are certain shows where every week I find myself wanting to whine or compliment. So we'll see if I have the constitution...

What I Watched This Summer

TV

Warehouse 13: Not a revolutionary show but ultimately crazy enjoyable. In the vein of Eureka, SyFy is clearly picking up on USA/CBS's tactic of making predictable procedurals with quirky characters and a generally lighthearted tone. Only instead of being about spies (USA) or cops (CBS) they're about SyFy. Perfect background fodder for the geeky at heart... though I really wish they'd bring back Cha$e and/or Estate of Panic.

Chopped/Food Network Challenge/Cupcake Wars: I found myself really into Food Network reality shows... I know nothing of cooking and never will, but they manage to be entertaining regardless. Mainly because the two of them are based a lot on appearance but also because the entire season worth of reality is jammed into one episode with eliminations and a winner all nailed down by the hours end.

True Blood: One of the few shows that I made a point to see on appointment. A lot of people I talked to thought the third season was a downgrade. I preferred it to the second season, with Maryanne's constant theatrics. Still I was more than tired of anything dealing with Jason and found myself wishing Tara really did run away for good and that Bill loses his death duel. I feel like I shouldn't be rooting for these outcomes but the only things I really care about are Jessica and Hoyt's relationship and whatever it is that Eric is going to do next. And Pam. I really like Pam. I was unaware that I liked Pam as much as I do but she was perpetually on the verge of death and is enough of a side character that such is plausible so I constantly found myself thinking "Just don't let them kill Pam!" Oh yeah and I forgot all about Sam so you can tell how interesting that is to me. In fact they made him annoying and I've liked Sam pretty consistently in the past.

Also the marathoning continued

Dexter: I burned my way through four seasons and I definitely get the high praise it's recent season got and eagerly await it's premiere. I'll say this I'm very impressed by their ability to keep Dexter a sociopath. It's a damn hard thing to do with a character after you follow him four seasons but he still lacks that certain human quality and kills out of need rather than purpose. In addition to having perhaps the most unsettling opening credit sequence I've ever seen, it's interesting and exhilarating though at times a bit tedious. It's brilliantly acted all around and both Morgan siblings are wonderfully crafted, swiftly evolving characters. As far as seasons, the fourth is by far the strongest but the first is incredibly captivating and it unfolds brilliantly. The second season I think is OK. Storywise it was strong but it's antagonist was incredibly aggravating and not in a good way, in a for CHRIST SAKE END THIS STORY ARC ALREADY sake. Which is kind of how I felt about most of season 3. It just stretched on far too long for my taste. But I should qualify that's by Dexter standards, which are still higher than most shows.

Torchwood: Torchwood is just fun. Period. It's not something everyone would like but if you like Sci-Fi and British Sci-Fi in particular you're probably going to love it. I don't have much to say about it in particular but definitely recommend. Not much to say as I'm still in the heart of season 2.

Supernatural: Luckily I have been catching a few of my friends up on Supernatural which has resulted in my marathoning the first two season of the show and I'm no less impressed with the quality of this superbly underrated show upon second viewing. It's a show clearly written and produced by people who have a great love for and nostalgia about the horror genre and I often forget how well it is made technically. They play around with a lot in terms of lighting and angles and maybe it's just because they can get away with it because they off on the CW. But I mean really how could a Sci-Fi show go wrong with one executive producer from X-Files and another from Firefly?

Productivity Interpretted Loosely

One thing that I learned once the age of box sets began is that working your way through an entire series in a relatively short period of time is pretty damn awesome. And there have been quiet a few shows I've been meaning to see for a very long time. So now thanks to a free netflix trial I will begin this marathoning process. Thus far my que seems like it will be:

Twin Peaks - A cult classic mystery with a relatively short run. Has marathon written all over it, no?

The Sopranos - This one will be a little tougher to tackle simply for volume, but without HBO I never got to see it in its heyday. It would be great to know what all those Emmys were for.

Wonderfalls - Bryan Fuller has wowed me with two of his shows, but not with the weird way he spells his first name. If he goes three for three I guess I can get over that last one.

Damages - Intense psychological thriller, check. Good reviews, check. Great cast, check. I suspect this will be one of those shows where I can burn through an entire disk without even realizing it.

The Wire - It's been hard for me to get excited about The Wire as I've just seen so many gritty cop dramas but so have the critics and they're regularly impressed so I guess I should look into it.

Additional or Alternative Marathoning may ensue with:

Chuck - I watched a few seasons of Chuck on and off. It was good. Got lost in the time shuffle but I've heard amazing things about the recent season.

Dexter - Originally failed to watch it due to channel unavailability. Been meaning to get into it for a long time.

V- I feel like I should watch this as it's the current primetime, sci-fi epic plus it has Elizabeth Mitchel.

Mad Men & Breaking Bad - Once more I feel duty bound by critical acclaim.

Any other Suggestions?

Lost Causes Worth Taking Up

Generally, I don't know if I'm in favor of throwing oneself completely into critically acclaimed but short lived series. Doesn't that just seem like a whole lot of frustration and heartbreak? Well it is. And in some cases it's worth it. Two of those cases come courtesy of legendary TV writer/producer/director Joss Whedon (Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, Toy Story) and additionally awesome writer/producer Bryan Fuller (Pushing Daisies, that one good season of Heroes). I am referring to Joss's space western Firefly and Fuller's now defunct look at the lives of grim reapers in Dead Like Me. You, whoever you may be, HAVE to watch these shows because they deserve it. Also make a point to watch Firefly's follow up feature film Serenity. I strongly recommend viewing the series before the movie, but the movie should make sense if you choose not to do such.


Firefly

Suggested For: Anyone with a pulse. But especially people who like snappy dialogue, action films, or tense character drama.

Premise: I'm not telling. There are some specifics but the pilot will be better if you don't know them. I will say this: It's set in the future. Earth's been destroyed and humans have settled other planets/moons to various degrees. Some of modern metropolis while others are tiny prairie towns. The story follows lovable smuggler Mal and his crew.

Come For: The premise - Did I mention it's a space western?

Stay For: The characters - I have to say this was by far the most impressive aspect of the show. It's an ensemble show, but the writers manage to flesh out all the characters fairly. The pilot alone is a masterpiece with each and every character clearly working to their own personal end. Everyone of them has distinct goals and a personality that dictate their actions. End result genuine drama. No one is just the damsel in distress or just the love interest or just the adorable sidekick... well maybe Kaylee to some extent but she's so adorable you won't mind.

Shining Moment: "Ariel" It was a hard call between this episode and the pilot but "Ariel" edged out a win. If airtime was based on quality, the final scene of this episode alone would've been enough to guarantee the show a second season. It's the first time, since the pilot, that the differing motives of the ship's crew snap into sharp focus. It's the closest we get to the creepy 'Blue Hands,' and it's an important story episode for the season arc. It doesn't hurt that it is action packed, tense, and visually stunning. It doesn't help that one unnecessary scene seems to have been taken from The Fugitive but I'm more than willing to overlook that.

Watch Out For: Dollhouse. I tried to think of a low point of Firefly but I don't really have one. Which is the problem. Given Joss's amazing track record one may assume that his next attempt will also set off sparks but alas, Dollhouse proves that Whedon too is capable of erring.

Dead Like Me

Premise: George Lass dies and is chosen to become a Grim Reaper.

Suggested for: Fans of cynicism and humor and/or Six Feet Under.

Come for: Georgia Lass. Aside from providing some of the most amusing voice-over narration in recent memory, George's inability to understand herself or her world is immediately relatable. She's a smart girl. Smart enough to see how the world works and more keenly how it doesn't. As a result, it's very difficult for her to get enthused about things. When not spitting out sardonic dialogue, however, its easy to see George really WANTS to care. Whether she being touchingly nostalgic in the face of loss or hilariously sarcastic in the face of idiocy, you'll likely find yourself nodding along with George.

Stay for: Joy Lass. In this overwhelmingly underappreciated performance Cynthia Stevenson brings the perfect anger and vulnerability to George's ironically named mother. Running parallel to the story of George's afterlife is the gut-wrenching attempts of her mother and sister, Reggie, to come to terms with life after George. Stevenson quickly establishes her ability to play the shrill, nagging sitcom wife but takes on a whole new depth after George's death. Expertly written and wonderfully acting, the shows biggest emotional wallop comes from watching Joy and Reggie move on and struggles with the little fingerprints of George that linger in their lives.

Shining Moment: "A Cook" This episode manages to pack a solid story on the show's three main fronts. Reaper-life, with a quirky, amusing, and thoughtful look at one of head reaper Rube's assignments. Lass-life as it addresses Reggie's growing obsession with death and her inability to cope with loss. Millie-life, the third sphere the show often occupies is that of George's reaper alias Millie. As Millie, George works a tedious office job for her clearly crazy but ultimately sympathetic boss, Delores. This episode does a great job of showing off both those traits plus it features the introduction of Daisy, Daisy Adair.

Watch out for: The made for TV movie. It's bad. Just bad. Avoid.

And Then There Was Blog

In the beginning man created the stories and the images. And the pictures were without movement, and colorless; and stillness was on the face of the images. And actors moved upon the stage breathing life into the stories. And people said, this is pretty cool we should find someway to capture these images and play them back. And then Muybridge figured out how to take a bunch of consecutive pictures of horses, the Lumiere brothers recorded a train and scared some French people, and some other stuff happened. I don’t remember the exact progression because professor Barron is INCREDIBLY boring, but moral of the story is in no time Charlie Chaplin was swinging his cane around and Buster Keaton was busy not reacting to things.

And then there were critics. And the critics saw film, that it was good and they made a firmament in the movies and divided the films that were below the standards of the firmament and those that were above the standards of the firmament. And the critics called the firmament The Academy Awards. And the critics had these things called credentials, which they got by studying the humanities, demonstrating their skills of comprehension, critical thinking, and rudimentary analysis. And the people trusted the critics, as these people didn’t have enough dimes to see just any movie they so desired.

And then there was TV. And the people no longer needed the dimes or the critics, because they could watch whatever the hell they wanted for one fixed rate. But the critics continued to think critically and to analyze and to publish their opinions for the people. But the people had begun to form their own opinions and at times found that they were quite different from that of the critics. And the people lost faith in the critics and watched “Home Improvement” anyway. And the critics wept. But the critics took solace in knowing that they were learned and were still alone in their ability to publish and disseminate their opinions.

And then there was blog, and the people soon found that there were many websites that discussed the movies and televisions. And there were unnecessarily detailed episodes recaps, and long winded critiques, and arbitrary lists of ‘best’ moments in cinema and television. And the people learned that they too could discuss the movies and televisions on a global scale by clicking the great ‘comment’ button. And soon the people grew restless with the character restrictions in the ‘comment’ section, and they realized that they too could blog even if they lacked the grammars. And as the people blogged with a lack of attention to spelling and commas they saw their opinions, that they were good. And if anyone mention to the people their lack of credentials or their incomplete knowledge of the history of the films and televisions the people would say ‘This is America! I have the right to my opinion!’ And this was somehow an acceptable answer. And the people young and old, learned and unlearned, angry and sarcastic took to the internets and spoke of the films and televisions with great importance and certainty. For they had the blogs.

And now so do I. So suck it, commas! You’ll just have to brace yourself for the wild unmanageable torrent of my quasi-informed opinions, temporary whims, and massive hyperbole. You see I plan on doing an incredibly amount of catching up on films and TV and know that I will feel compelled to talk about them. As a lifelong lover of media and the holder of a degree in the films and televisions, I do think I have some claim to pontificate and ramble on about such things but even if I didn’t I probably would anyway. I can’t promise this blog will be perfect but I can promise it will be my own. My take on (mostly) TV and film for anyone who dare read it, and as far as I’m concerned its a damn good take on them that with any luck is humorous, insightful, and entertaining.